Author: Dr. Noelle Nelson

Article:
The lines are drawn. The savings account passbook lies between
you, mute witness to the debate. Arms crossed, you stare at your
(usually beloved) husband across the table. "A new dishwasher,"
you announce. "A new set of golf clubs" he retorts. "Huh!" you
exclaim, "How can you be so selfish! At least I didn't say a new
outfit." "Selfish? Excuse me!" he yells, "I do believe our
dishwasher works just fine. You just want the new one for all
the fancy features." "You just want new golf clubs to show off
with, there's nothing wrong with your old ones," you zing back,
"and don't yell at me." "I'm not yelling at you," he shouts.
"Yes you are!" you shoot back, starting to cry. "Oh, jeez, don't
start that," he implores. "I can't help it," you wail. "I hate
it when we argue about money," he says, "Ok, fine, do whatever
you want. Who cares, anyway?"

As your husband leaves the room, you don't feel so good. Oh, you
won - you'll be able to get the fancy new dishwasher you saw on
TV that practically loads itself, but the price was too high.
Now there will be days of discomfort between you and your
husband, silent hostility that no one wants to admit is there,
and all over what? Money! Or rather, how to spend it. What to do
with that darned little pile of savings you both worked so hard
to scrape together. You almost wish you hadn't bothered, given
how miserable you both now feel. There must be an easier way to
resolve your differences when it comes to how to spend your
mutual dollars.

And indeed, there is. It's unusual for two people to agree all
the time on how to spend their joint income, so arguments about
what to do with it, especially when it comes to big-ticket
items, happen a lot. But they don't have to. You see, arguments
happen most often because of a lack of understanding. It's not
that you don't understand what each other wants ("new
dishwasher," "new golf clubs" - not rocket science!), but you
don't understand why the other wants it, what the meaning of
that thing is to them, how it matters to them. Unfortunately, we
tend to react first ("You want what?!!"), then defend and
criticize, all of which put a major damper on calm explanation.

Next time you find yourself at odds regarding a purchase, before
you launch into that all too familiar argument, take a deep
breath and ask, for example, "Help me understand what new golf
clubs would mean to you." Resist the temptation to use a
sarcastic, demanding, or otherwise negative tone of voice. Ask
genuinely. Try to really understand. Your husband may say,
"Well, the ones I've got are old." That's not terribly helpful,
but it's a start. You might then say "OK, I understand that the
ones you have are old and that you'd like new ones, but what is
it about new clubs that matters to you?" Your husband may look
at you strangely for a moment, but in all likelihood, he'll go
on to tell you, "Well, golf is more than relaxation, it's kind
of a networking thing. You know I meet people on the links, and
business is talked about, and those connections can end up being
pretty useful. And frankly, when I'm carting around my obviously
out of date golf clubs, I think people think of me as out of
date. Makes it hard to network the way I'd like to." Well, he
may have a point. Certainly, this approach opens up the
possibility of discussion as opposed to argument.

You could then let your husband know what a new dishwasher would
mean to you: not having to practically wash the dishes before
putting them in the dishwasher, settings that would allow you to
include pots and pans and features, all of which would give you
more time to help the kids with their homework and do other
tasks that you can barely get to before dropping exhausted into
bed. It would mean more quality time with the kids and more rest
for you. Once again, knowing the meaning that a new dishwasher
would have for you would allow for a legitimate discussion
instead of frantic power plays to get your way.

Understanding the meaning of things makes it possible to
consider more alternatives. More alternatives almost always lead
to better, more mutually satisfying decisions.





About the author:
Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D. is a respected psychologist, consultant,
speaker and author. Her most recent book is "The Power of
Appreciation in Business (MindLab Publishing, 2005). For more
than a decade, she has helped people live happier, healthier
lives--at work, at home and in relationships. E-mail:
nnelson@dr.noellenelson.com, website: www.noellenelson.com

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